Episode 62: “Void where prohibited”

There are no stranger bedfellows than marketing types and lawyers. They look at the world through different ends of a proverbial pair of binoculars. Marketers dream big; we imagine endless horizons, hordes of eager customers rushing towards us pushing wheelbarrows full of money. Lawyers dream of preventing risks. Marketers are proclaimers. Lawyers are disclaimers.

I recall a Tonka toys commercial in which little boys were happily using a crane to fill trucks with dirt. The voiceover breathlessly described the hours of fun to be had with the sturdy little earth movers. As the spot ended the voiceover abruptly changed tone, informing us: "Mound of dirt not included."

Can't you just picture the interaction between the ad agency and the lawyers?

Marketing Type: "No kid is going to expect that a mound of dirt comes with the toys. That's absurd."

Legal Type: "We can't afford the risk. I'd hate to have to litigate the mound of dirt issue. Imagine the negative publicity. Use the disclaimer."

Marketing Type: "Squeak!"

These encounters have taken their toll on marketing backbones, which while remarkably flexible, are not very strong. We find ourselves trying to prevent such interactions with the legal profession, developing strange hybrids of legal/marketing language, such as:

"Suitable for framing!"

Translation: "You have to get your own frame."

"Some assembly required."

Translation: "You'll need a degree in mechanical engineering to put it together.'

"Quantities are limited, so act now!"

Translation: "We've only got a couple of million still in stock."

"Operators are standing by."

Translation: "No one has called so far."

"Unforgettable!"

Translation: "Um, what was the question?"

“And more.”

Translation: "That’s all."

“3 out of 4 doctors agree”

Translation: We surveyed four doctors.

“Not available in stores”

Translation: "They didn’t want it."

“Your mileage my vary”

Translation: "We just made up these figures because they sounded good."

"No purchase necessary."

Translation: "Although we wouldn't mind."

"All other trademarks or registered trademarks belong to their respective holders."

Translation: "We don't have the time or the energy to keep track of all that crap."

“All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.”

Translation: "I am getting my revenge on everyone who ever crossed me."

“No animals were harmed in the making of this motion picture.” Translation: "Unless you count the ones we ate, and the ones that were made into boots and clothing."

“Our people are our most important assets.”

Translation: "But, we'll lay them off so fast it will make your head spin."

"Professional driver. Closed course."

Translation: "You wish."

"Don't try this at home."

Translation: "Go ahead. You know you want to,"

"This site contains material which is adult in nature and intended strictly for mature adults. All sex stories on this website are fictional sexual fantasies and are published here for adult entertainment and artistic expression only! If you are not of legal age to view adult material in your area or you find pornography or any other type of…"

Translation: "Don't judge me."