Episode 61: The Laws of Lunch

Lunch – not breakfast – is the most important meal of the day. It is also the most important part of the workday. Too often, it is the highlight of the day.

Without lunch, the only thing we would have to look forward to is quitting time. Lunch is a milestone – much like Wednesday – denoting the half-way point of a work period. Skipping lunch is like skipping Wednesday – a crime against nature.

It's a respite, a chance to regroup, recharge, and refuel, and most especially to get away from work. Getting up from your desk, stepping away from your computer, and changing your perspective is invariably a good idea.

Ideally you should get out of the building and drive or walk to a good place for lunch. If the cafeteria is the only practical option, then go to the cafeteria – but eat your lunch there. If, for dietary or frugality concerns, you must bring your lunch, so be it. However, you should never, ever, eat at your desk. That's just too sad.

If you don't have time for lunch at all, there's either, A. something wrong with your job or, B. something wrong with you.

If the answer is A, I feel very sorry for you. Some people simply have too much work to do sometimes, or all the time. This is usually a sign of a crappy job, although it could be the best – or only – job you can get – for now. Get that resume updated, fire up your network and get out of there ASAP. If they ask why you want to change jobs, put down "lack of lunch."

If the answer is B, I feel very sorry for you. Some people can't get their work done because they don't know how, or they spend all their time sucking up, plotting and scheming, or surfing for porn. There are even some people who never want to go home because their jobs are the only meaningful parts of their lives. And then there are the workaholics.

I don't understand these types of people. (Except those who surf for porn.) The rest of them are, well,totally out to lunch.

This leads me to the 10 Laws of Lunch:

1. Be sure your job includes time for lunch. Lots of time. At least a half hour, but an hour is preferable. On special occasions (birthdays, farewell parties, and days ending in "y," it is always OK to linger at lunch for as long as possible if you can get away with it.

2. Never go to lunch alone. Go with one or more co-workers and/or friends. If it is a good suck-up opportunity, go with your boss. Only go to lunch with a vendor if your company has no rules against accepting gifts. Otherwise, to hell with vendors.

3. When you have lunch is important. Be sure to leave as early as possible – long before the crack of noon. This gives you a jump on the good tables and best parking spaces. Leaving before 10:30 is usually difficult to justify, though, unless there's a staff meeting at 1 p.m.

4. Where you have lunch is crucial. Bars that serve good food are good bets. (See Drinking in law # 7 below.) Never have lunch at a national chain restaurant or fast food outlet. Fast food is OK only if it's a mom and pop place serving good fast delicacies such as barbeque, Cuban sandwiches, fish tacos, gyros, and so on.

5. What you have for lunch is optional. But, be careful and know your metabolism. Foods that cause gas, killer breath, or often and prolonged visits to the restroom should be avoided – unless you are planning to torture someone other than yourself.

6. Never eat at your desk. I know I said that already, but it bears repeating. People who grab a tray from the cafeteria and work through lunch are not only sad, they're very annoying to the rest of us. Bringing your own lunch from home exhibits planning skills as well as cheapness, which pisses us off even more.

7. Drinking at lunch is optional. But almost always a bad idea. Does your company provide siestas? (If so, are they hiring?) Now, if your boss buys you a drink, then by all means, be polite. But don't allow him or her to take advantage of you. And don't order any of those frou-frou drinks with cute names like "Appletinis." Also, do something about your breath.

8. Get out of the building. This is a corollary to #4 above. Even if there is a great restaurant in your building, try to get outside, if only for a few minutes. You can use the fresh air and you need to get the office dust off your clothes. Stay in the building during bad weather, if you must, but the whole idea is to get…away…from…your…desk.

9. Always take new employees to lunch. Start newbies off right on their first day of work. You must set an example and inculcate good lunch habits in the newbies. This is about leadership, fostering corporate culture, and ensuring you don't look like a slacker – especially if you are one.

10. If going to lunch is discouraged, get another job. You can't really ask about this during the interview process, but you can hang outside a prospective employer from 11:30 to 1 p.m. If no one comes out of the building, skip the interview. If by some accident you find yourself working for a company full of "type A" performers*, update your resume ASAP. Chances are they probably also frown on chronic absenteeism, stealing office supplies, clock watching or using company time and resources for Internet gaming, fantasy sports, stock trading, and dating services. I mean, who wants to work with a bunch of tight asses?

* The "A" does not stand for achiever.